Eyes open, awake for the very first time

I know who I am,

And who I want to be.

I value will power, hard work, self respect, self love, confidence, beauty, quiet.

I recognize that I don't need to dump every aspect of who I am onto my friends. They don't need to know anything, really. And there's so much freedom in this fact. Previously I was convinced no one would like me unless they knew who I was and why I behaved the way that I do. But that's not true at all. Holding back creates mystery and beauty.

Not to mention I need to get better at keeping secrets.

I value sobriety. I wonder how long I can make it through December without drinking so much that I get a hangover. I wonder how it will affect my relationship with mason. I wonder if I can influence mark.

I also value a fit body. I almost value thinness more than anything else. And so I need to keep up with my minimal drinking, my pescatarian diet, no listen. And stick to vegan desserts.

I value cleanliness and organization.
I value following through and doing what you plan.

Who do I want to be? I want to be beautiful inside and out. I want to live happily, despite the mistakes Amy makes. I want to completely not care about most people and their opinions of me. Ultimately masons is all that j care about. It's okay that people are no longer in my life.

I have fantastic clothes, a pretty face, a great car, great apartment, job. I love my tattoo, I love my hair, I love my friends, my coworkers, my friends, my family, my boyfriend.

I am so blessed. I appreciate this and love myself, unconditionally, for who I am.

Awkward and agitated

I just don't feel like myself. Yeah I'm hungover tho. But I've been so awkward. So who am I?

I'm young. I make mistakes. I say the wrong thing because my filter is flimsy. But I'm happy. I'm loved. I love. I'm a flirt. I love attention and that's okay. I'm emotional. I'm sexual. I'm sensual. I'm in love with mason. I think he's the most incredible person. And yet I tear into him, knit picking his little quirks that I love so much. Why do I do that? Why do I focus on what I can't have so much? Why do I care about the people I've lost or pushed away?why do I need to be liked by everyone? Why do I break myself down so hard so often? Why am I not more proud, more confident? I'm not fat. I'm gorgeous. I'm soft. I'm a hard worker. I'm so so passionate about so much. I'm messy. I'm messy in lots of ways. I'm good. I'm okay. I'm kind. I'm loved. I have demons. They make me better. They come out when I drink. They shouldn't.
They won't. They won't I won't I am good I will be great.

Deadly sins

Envy, pride, anger, and greed. I feel these things towards ab and what she has, and I know I shouldn't. So dearest universe, I come to you again, asking you to help me move past these animalistic emotions. Especially envy. Dear universe, I admit it, I'm full of jealousy. I'm so jealous of the attention Af gets from men and women alike. . And I'm jealous of ab.. Mostly of her little size. It's ridiculous that I think someone's better than me, because they're skinnier than me.
So dear universe, please help me gain the strength to move past this. To gain inner strength within myself and who I am. To help me take care of myself. Eat right, exercise, wax to help create a foundation of Jordan that I'm proud of. Then it's up to me to follow through and dress well, learn how to really buy and apply makeup, just take care of myself. Inside and out.

Back to beauty and swagg

Im feeling so content and like I'm on the right path. Like I'm truly behaving like the person I am. Not using crap loads of energy to appear like one of my friends, colleagues, employers, professors.

I'm Jordan.

I need to run more. Today I'm going to go home and clean my room and house. If Mas wants to come over I'll cook him dinner. I have great objects, but currently I'm mitigating the shopping and spending. Instead I'm making my own pescatarian meals and painting my own nails. Drinking a solitary glass of wine once in a while. I need to focus on my skin and keeping it clear a little better. But my hormones are also insane so that's forgivable.

I want to focus less on envying the beautiful people around me. I want to focus on smelling nice. Finding my signature scent. And I'm going to get skinny by Halloween and stay thin.

Love , Jordan

Dear sweet universe

Dear lovely universe: I have five minutes to stand in the sun before I have to go back into work.

Thank you for this newfound strength and confidence. Thank you for giving me this will power. And thank you for inspiring more to constantly do better.

Please help me calm my anxiety. I'm so nervous all the time, I can barely handle this feeling in my heart. Physically and emotionally.

Please help me find the strength to continue to purify my body and eliminate animals and coffee.

I hope I continue on this path of good clean living. And I hope it trickles into my personal life.

I especially ask for strength and guidance with mason. I know perfection isn't possible, but give me the strength, patience, kindness, sensuality that he deserves to have .

All my love,
Jordan

Game plan

Are y'all ready for this ?!

Currently successfully vegan. And the water weight is dropping and I feel really good.

Enough gossiping, judging, cattiness
There's no joy from that lifestyle

I love myself. I live my life.

I live for me.

Chopping off my hair. Guna buy a curling iron. And a blow dryer. Thank gosh for that amazon gift card.

Need new little black UBS

Running

Taking care of myself

Clean and organized

Saving money for winter/ shop in sprees :)

And fixing masons car

Love love love mason

Prayer

Dear universe,
To know that I can ask for help and you answer is incredible. I have you on my side. I am loved. Thank you. Your help on Friday meant the world.

So I don't know if its greedy to keep praying. I feel whole now that things with TW have settled. But there are things I wish to discuss with you , dear universe. And praying made my heart feel fill. So please know how appreciative I am.

Tonight, daddy and B and T and I talked about confidence. About the beautiful Rooney Maras characters in the girl with the dragon tattoo. How she was so beautiful, despite being odd, for her confidence.
I believe that this is why I love my nipples pierced and my tattoo and my dark hair. They all feel like things you do if you're confident.
Dear universe, I'm falling asleep, but I want to ask you for help. I love myself, but I'm always second guessing myself. Help me realize how wonderful I am. And help me act with beautiful confidence.
I love you, dear universe.

Happiness

Dear universe
why is Happiness so finicky sometimes. I love my life, but you keep throwing me these curve balls. What am I supposed to get out of this period of my life? And when will I know?

To be 100% honest with you, no tilted words to make me feel better: I feel sad. I miss having TW in my life. Shea so different from me, and her morals don't line up with mine per say, but I still think she's wonderful and there's so much I can learn from her. I wish you would help me find a way to get her back into my life.
I take or leave MR. She's not someone I particularly think is a good influence in my heart and soul. But I don't like the turmoil either. Please, universe, help my settle this.
And thank you, vast universe, for giving me mason. He is the most incredible man I've ever met. But please help calm my heart. I'm tired of arguing with him. I'm need to cut him more slack. I need to appreciate him more. In afraid ill loose him.
But thank you, wonderful universe, for my incredible life. I hope that I can take care of all that you've blessed me with. I dont want to waste any of it.
And I'm afraid my lack of confidence throws away some of the beauty and grace youve given me. Please help me find the strength inside of me to carry myself with strength, grace, and dignity.
I believe rumi when he says the entire universe is inside me. So please transcend me and help me along my way. I'm young and still learning and in love with the universe and it's way of guiding me.
My heart already feels more full.
Love you dear universe.

On my mind

1. New hair.. Roots done, cut off, itchy scalp
2. New perfect eyeliner and make up
3. New face wash, clear skin
4. New eating, clean body, hardcore pescatarian, no animal byproducts
5. Gosh darn period where are you???, new birth control that's less harmful
6. Run , Pilates, tone, sexy

Contentment

I am going to cut out animal by products, refined sugar, and gluten.

I will run and do YouTube Pilates daily.

I will look amazing come Halloween, chistmas, in a bikini, in langerie, on the slopes of park city, in my suits at work, and everything in between & beyond.

I will maintain my manicures an pedicures. My waxing - legs, eyebrows, and beyond. I will maintain my haircuts and dye jobs.

I will maintain cleanliness in my person and things.

I will take the time to maintain my relationship with myself as well as with my friends and family.

When my boss scolds me, I will learn from it.

I will not gossip. I will not judge.
Those who judge me, mean nothing. Those who love me, mean everything.

TW and MR mean absolutely nothing to me. They're deleted out of my phone and on fb. They contribute nothing to my life at this point.

My family and friends and myself mean the world.

Love my life

8:49 am in my car
Aug 10

I am Jordan. I am gorgeous inside and out. I have a kind and loving soul. I try to embrace all of life. I love people who are different from me.

But I am strong. There are so many incredible things about me, that if you dislike me, that's your deal.

So I will explain myself to terra and see what comes of it.

But ultimately, if I don't have her as a buddy, if Michelle and heather are girls I hang out with, cest la vie. It's not like we go shopping now. I see them only when I'm with Mas. And I don't need Michelle to do my hair by any means.

So here's my game plan: love my life as is. Keep my big mouth shut more often. Increase my level of patience .
Meanwhile, of there are three girls who don't like me, why do I care? What do any of them, except terra, mean to y life. Nothing. And I can start looking for a new hairdresser.

And really, I love my friends -- Amy, noelle, Britney, Yurina, Jesee and vinia. All wonderful girls who come to me for love fun and advice. The girls who don't like me didnt even go to college. As mom says, people who don't go to school lack that level of tolerance and acceptance that you learn from being in a big mixing pot. Them not liking me doesn't take away any achievements. I can still have a ball even when they're around. I'm not petty, I'm just awkward.

Love love love

Jordan

Who do I want to be?

I want to be that girl with all the fabulous things. The fabulous purse, car, phone, clothes, sunglasses. However I didn't buy any of it because someone told me to. I am my own unique individual.

I want my car and my apartment to be clean and organized and inviting.

I want to be a Someone who takes care of herself. Only things that are good for me go into my body. And because of that my skin an hair are all extraordinary.
In addition, I push my body through running and videos and sex. And it shows no matter of I'm naked or dressed.

I also love to have fun though. Spontaneous adventures are a commonality. And raves and parties and festivals are a must. Although drinking casually is overrated and not necessary.

I surround myself with wonderful friends, but I'm also smart enough to keep my enimies close.
Ultimately though, I don't take things personally, and know I can't do anything to change people who don't like me. Whatever. It means nothing to my life.

I'm self sufficient and if I say I m going to do something, I do. I don't just sit around Doing nothing. I conquer life.

Aesthetically I'm little and lean. Hairless from the neck down. Brazillians are a breeze. But long dark hair, neat and tidy and with many options for updos that I've mastered.
I wear great clothes to work and to bars, but I'm not broke. Just tidy. And I remember to dry clean and do laundry consistently. Not to mention I've mastered high heels.

And the final, most important piece, I don't brag about all that I'm blessed with. I don't tell the world who I am and what my secrets are. I let them discover who I am on their own. And if they're ever mistaken, cest la vie. No reason to waste my breath explaining

Feel that Fire

I am so blessed. The end. No matter what. Conflict will alway exist even if it changes hands. The trick is to love life and myself despite that. TW and MR don't change anything.

Positivity

Monday July 30
Sitting in my car before work

List:

1. Confidence. Enviable confidence.
2. Watch my rude comments... Although eh I dunno. I never say things seriously and i refuse to let MR and TW tear down of me get to me
3. Not ruining friendships. But if I don't like someone, just taking some space.
4. Happiness
5. Positivity
6. Love
7. Quality friendships with all year amazing people in my life.
8. TW was Masons friend. It makes sense shed have issues with me. I stole him in a way. I don't take it personally and ultimately it'll blow over.
9. MR is also masons friend and ex. Def don't take her personally although I should find a new hairdresser blah.
10. Here's what I know: I have the most incredible bf in the entire world. I love my friends, vinia Jesee amy Laura Nina. Love my family... All of them. And I love my job and my bosses and colleagues. That's all that matters
11. Ultimately bad comes and goes and won't mean anything in an unknown period of time
12. I didn't do anything to deserve this . I can't control it. So why dwell on it.
13. Focusing on the bad will just hold me back from really leaning to love myself


And to top it all off. In head over heels in love with mason. And in the end. Mason means everything.

Why I am proud to be me

1. I won leader I the quarter the first time ever being nominated
2. I landed a fantastic promotion where one excelling
3. I have a handsome wonderful boyfriend who treats me like I'm His world
4. I've TAed for two professors despite being undergrad
5. My essay was published as a short film for educational purposes
6. I build good friendships fast
7. If I want something, I achieve it

Cleaning

Sunday, July 29, 2012
My bed.


I think I'm being tested by the universe.

Fighting with T & M is getting ridiculous. They've clearly spent sometime picking me apart. Coming up with all these reasons they don't like me. Because I'm rude, I'm defensive, PDA with Mas, I'm a different person when I'm around they're whole group of people I don't know than who I am when I'm one on one, and then when I'm with mas I'm different too. Haha. Just repeating them back makes me realize how retarded this is. Clearly, M decided a long time ago she didn't like me. I always just got such bad vibes, even though she was never less than SWEET. sugary sweet even.

So. These 2 girls who struggle with the romantic lives, their personal selves, with fashion, who don't have college degrees.. have decided they don't want me in their lives because I got defensive when they accused me of being unfaithful to Mas. And I'm sure M thinks he life is great. She's back with her bf. Her salon is sending her to Australia. Blah blah. But if she was really so secure, she wouldn't have instigated all of this. And meanwhile, T is just along for the ride.

Well. I am who i am. 

And I'm in a transitional period. I'm no longer friends with A. The drama, negativity, and just loathing of others was sucha drain. So now I need to figure out who I am without the influence of my Best Friend for the last 4 years.

I'm also without AP and JD and all of those Boys who I spent a few months raging and bonding with. I have so much fun and the drama was exciting. But I'm 22 years old and pursuing a real life. Not one sparked by substance abuse.

So Here's what I'm discovering. 


I'm genuinely kind. I really like people and I like being friends with people and taking care of them.
I'm making new friends, but I also have to accept that I need to prove to others that I'm not that bitch I was. And the only way to do that is with consistency.

I like taking care of myself. Eating clean. cooking. Running. Just overall good healthy habits.

I'm outgoing as fuck.


I'm happy. 


I'm funny and weird and I love it. 


I like adventures.


I like nature. Alot. 


I love buddhism. 


I'm open minded and accepting. 


Gossiping isn't fun.


Complaining isn't satisfying. 


I like art and fashion and color. 


I know what I like. without having to discuss it with 5 people to get their opinions on the matter. 


I am beautiful. 


Now today, Totally Normal Chaos MF is coming over to help me physically sort through my life. 
I couldn't be more excited. We originally agreed on 9am, and its 9:40, but cest la vie. It gave me time to myself that wasnt all about sleeping.

At piece

Saturday July 28 2012
Masons Living room with R and Yurina and mas and Andrea.

Ive been texting with T all morning and I finally feel at piece. I really like T but MR flat out lied to her about what happened an made me out to be worse than I am. And I'm just not down for that. I've calmly defended myself and explained my side but t wants to continue crusifying me for something so little as getting defensive.

Ah cest la vie. I can do without that. At least now I can sleep soundly knowing that it wasn't my fault. And I didn't say anything I regret, even though they tore me apart.

Objects I want

1. A new mid sized purse. Leather. Won't break my back, but will hold my things
2. Maaaaybe some new storage
3. New retainer. New tooth. White teeth.
4. Fixing masons car
5. Daddy's Xmas present
6. Grandmas blanket
7. Park city sundance trip
8. Rock the bells hotel
9. New suits!!! ASAP!!
10. New laptop
11. More cheap jeans :) (ugh actually I need to stop buying new clothes. I have Sooo many)
12. Phone cover for Taylor C
13. Pretty kitty ;)

Finally Friday

Friday July 27, 2012
Sitting in my car before work


Hooray! It's the weekend! I get to do things, see my dad, check things off my list, live for me and not just work.

1. Monica comes on Sunday
2. Daddy, barbara, and Tay Saturday night
3. Yurinas birthday tonight (which I'm planning)

Happy

July 26 2012

Just a good day. Full of good people. Mason, ma, Michelle C, db, Amy, yurina, holi from pastry, chef. Just good.

No such thing as perfection

July 25/26 2012 2am in my bed


But my life is wonderful. And there's no one but Mas id want to experience things with.

My mindset for the day. Turns out, it was a good choice. I still worked hard and did my thing, and celebrated my accomplishments, but everything wasn't quite so daunting. 

Found this in the drive through bathroom.. cool.

conversation with Ma. Ha. 

Live free and happy & without regret <3

Drive in movie theater in the back of jons truck. (mas was chatty and I scolded him for it :/ its not right. I should be more patient. But he just doesn't stop and it frustrates me. Oh well. I asked him to listen more when he's with my friends. maybe that will do the trick. we were kinda bitchy with each other anyways. We clearly are in love, but just getting on each others nerves. cest la vie)

My Handsome Baby<3

Conflict

Tuesday July 24, 2012
7:24 AM in my bedroom, surrounded by my mess

How do you handle conflict with Beauty and Swagg?

Well I thought it meant holding your tongue so you didn't say things you'd regret later, things that would hurt people.

Turns out, one with beauty and swagg should never text and fight with someone either.
Ugh.

I'm so tired of being in arguments with people. And this one doesn't seem fair because I know MR and TW think of themselves as insiders and me as the outsider. And this one was started because of that guy who stole my phone, so I'm defending myself, to MR, for something TW thinks (that I have no idea what it is), and something I probably didn't do.
but she "has Mas's best interest at heart." Like I don't? Like all I want to do it crush the love of my life. I'm trying to be understanding, but it's hard when I'm feeling like it's 2 against 1, and like I have to voice with either of them.

Other negative pulls:
AB
AP
AR

(not doing so well with the A's)


9:50 PM 
On my couch

I sent MR an apology text. Explaining that I'd felt attacked, but I should have given her benefit of the  doubt and I hoped she had a good day; she didnt deserve to feel upset.

I handled DB, BE, & TS, and took what was dealt to me.

But Here's what I need to work on.. 

1. Confidence. I deserve things. I need to stop always defending/explaining who I am and how I live.
2. To stop taking everything so personal
3. & piggybacking off that last one: to stop hurting people with my words. Its crazy to me that people care so much about what I say


Here's what I want..

1. Girlfriends. I need to work on my relationships with all my wonderful girlfriends.
2. To keep up my manicures, pedicures, waxes, and dye jobs
3.  Cleanliness.. in my car, in my room, in my life.


Here's what I've done...


1. Amazing sparkly pink gel mani pedi
2. Hair Dyed DARK
3. Eyebrows waxed
4. Amy and I are going to the Pretty Kitty for a brazillian haha
5. This sunday Monica Fay is coming to organize my room


I love who I am. I'm funny as heck. I love and care for people. & Im crazy smart and ambitious. Not to mention, gorgeous. Thats right I said it, I am gorgeous. I have great bone structure, huge gray blue eyes, and a pretty mouth and nose. I have curves to kill, and I look great in clothes. & BONUS.. I love fashion & money so I also have great clothes.

All in all, I see no reason to EVER feel insignificant. I am as good as I get.

 

Getting my Manicure/pedicure

Disgusting oatmeal. But look at my cute desk :) 

This dress didnt hug right, 

but this is why I'm eating salads and saying no to sweets. 

I want to wear dresses that show off my legs!

Sweet Dreams World<3

My Definitions

Monday, July 23, 2012
The floor of my bedroom, just showered and back from a run

Beauty & Swagg means...

• Talking when people are listening; not talking louder to get people to listen
• Maintaining appearances. Not getting lazy. A Good manicure, pedicure make all the difference. And so is staying hairless.
• But also budgeting out expenses in order to prevent over spending. Putting money aside for bigger purchases in the future, and money aside for little things -- manicures, hair cuts, waxes.
• Confidence. 
• Kindness. 
• Keeping things organized. Not taking money or things for granite. 
• Making lunch and dinner. Having pre-cut, pre-bought, healthy groceries ready to go.
• Going out for dates and getting all dressed up. 

12 noon
Copy room

"Dear beeotches, you know who you are. This is my formal request. Stop trying to get me to do your work, stop treating me like I'm subservient, and stop thinking your better than me because you talk trash. Your opinions are irrelevant because you are all quite cunty"

Sincerely, Jordan

7:06pm
Boyfriends house

Day from hell, but ultimately, the people I cared about -bf, managers, director, mom - all had my back. And when it came to handling situations on my own, I handled them well, with strength and confidence.

Hooray for day 3 of beauty and swagg. Now time for scallops & shrimp with the boys.

In love with my life

Sunday July 22 2012
Boyfriends house, playing video games

Went to the fair today with my boyfriend. In Lacey top and boots. Love the fair. And the food, although I made it a point to eat after thinking jar about my choices. Aka a huge sausage and some mocha freeze. Nixed the Cotten candy altogether.
For dinner Mas cooked parmesan chicken and rice and salad. At this point ive had Too many lemon buddies. But I'm enjoying hanging with the boys.

On my mind:
1. Organizing my room, appreciating my things
2. TW and the miscommunication
3. Building my relationship with MR & TW
4. Building my relationships with all my wonderful friends
5. Saving my money
6. Eating crazy healthy
6. Getting my hair styled
8. Nails done
9. Running
10. Looking good for Halloween
11. Regular haircuts, waxes, taking care of myself
12. Confidence; real enviable confidence

Spaceship Ride!

Super Drop You Fast and Feel Like You're Going to Die Ride

Agricultural Part of the Fair

The Thing, The Catch, The Goal

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Momma's House

Just back from the driving range with Mark. New iPhone secured after that creep stole it. Gettin' my Costco Card in a bit. Going to get my Thank You for Helping Me Be Successful Graduation Announcements printed. Then to the beach to MR's shop to get my Hair done. 

Here's the thing: 

I have been blessed with family, friends, a man I'm in love with, smarts, looks, a great job, great bosses, good money, and an appreciation for it all. 

Here's the catch: 

Almost everything I put in my body makes me sick; but, that's because this is America and we eat such processed crap. And as a result, I'm always a little down on that extra weight that I wish I didn't own.

Here's the goal: 

Eat well. Eat clean. Eat in a way so that I'm proud of who I am, and don't feel ashamed. 

Work out consistently. Sleep good and long and hard. Eliminate the constant drinking. 

Meanwhile, get the other stuff together too: aka my disaster of a room, dirty tupperwares in my new Camry, my distaste of laundry and dry cleaning. 

Basically, this is my blog to capture my efforts to live with Beauty & Swagg. Hopefully, the successful revamping of my life, in addition to a record of all the amazing things I get to do that keep me so busy.

<3