Eyes open, awake for the very first time

I know who I am,

And who I want to be.

I value will power, hard work, self respect, self love, confidence, beauty, quiet.

I recognize that I don't need to dump every aspect of who I am onto my friends. They don't need to know anything, really. And there's so much freedom in this fact. Previously I was convinced no one would like me unless they knew who I was and why I behaved the way that I do. But that's not true at all. Holding back creates mystery and beauty.

Not to mention I need to get better at keeping secrets.

I value sobriety. I wonder how long I can make it through December without drinking so much that I get a hangover. I wonder how it will affect my relationship with mason. I wonder if I can influence mark.

I also value a fit body. I almost value thinness more than anything else. And so I need to keep up with my minimal drinking, my pescatarian diet, no listen. And stick to vegan desserts.

I value cleanliness and organization.
I value following through and doing what you plan.

Who do I want to be? I want to be beautiful inside and out. I want to live happily, despite the mistakes Amy makes. I want to completely not care about most people and their opinions of me. Ultimately masons is all that j care about. It's okay that people are no longer in my life.

I have fantastic clothes, a pretty face, a great car, great apartment, job. I love my tattoo, I love my hair, I love my friends, my coworkers, my friends, my family, my boyfriend.

I am so blessed. I appreciate this and love myself, unconditionally, for who I am.

Awkward and agitated

I just don't feel like myself. Yeah I'm hungover tho. But I've been so awkward. So who am I?

I'm young. I make mistakes. I say the wrong thing because my filter is flimsy. But I'm happy. I'm loved. I love. I'm a flirt. I love attention and that's okay. I'm emotional. I'm sexual. I'm sensual. I'm in love with mason. I think he's the most incredible person. And yet I tear into him, knit picking his little quirks that I love so much. Why do I do that? Why do I focus on what I can't have so much? Why do I care about the people I've lost or pushed away?why do I need to be liked by everyone? Why do I break myself down so hard so often? Why am I not more proud, more confident? I'm not fat. I'm gorgeous. I'm soft. I'm a hard worker. I'm so so passionate about so much. I'm messy. I'm messy in lots of ways. I'm good. I'm okay. I'm kind. I'm loved. I have demons. They make me better. They come out when I drink. They shouldn't.
They won't. They won't I won't I am good I will be great.

Deadly sins

Envy, pride, anger, and greed. I feel these things towards ab and what she has, and I know I shouldn't. So dearest universe, I come to you again, asking you to help me move past these animalistic emotions. Especially envy. Dear universe, I admit it, I'm full of jealousy. I'm so jealous of the attention Af gets from men and women alike. . And I'm jealous of ab.. Mostly of her little size. It's ridiculous that I think someone's better than me, because they're skinnier than me.
So dear universe, please help me gain the strength to move past this. To gain inner strength within myself and who I am. To help me take care of myself. Eat right, exercise, wax to help create a foundation of Jordan that I'm proud of. Then it's up to me to follow through and dress well, learn how to really buy and apply makeup, just take care of myself. Inside and out.

Back to beauty and swagg

Im feeling so content and like I'm on the right path. Like I'm truly behaving like the person I am. Not using crap loads of energy to appear like one of my friends, colleagues, employers, professors.

I'm Jordan.

I need to run more. Today I'm going to go home and clean my room and house. If Mas wants to come over I'll cook him dinner. I have great objects, but currently I'm mitigating the shopping and spending. Instead I'm making my own pescatarian meals and painting my own nails. Drinking a solitary glass of wine once in a while. I need to focus on my skin and keeping it clear a little better. But my hormones are also insane so that's forgivable.

I want to focus less on envying the beautiful people around me. I want to focus on smelling nice. Finding my signature scent. And I'm going to get skinny by Halloween and stay thin.

Love , Jordan

Dear sweet universe

Dear lovely universe: I have five minutes to stand in the sun before I have to go back into work.

Thank you for this newfound strength and confidence. Thank you for giving me this will power. And thank you for inspiring more to constantly do better.

Please help me calm my anxiety. I'm so nervous all the time, I can barely handle this feeling in my heart. Physically and emotionally.

Please help me find the strength to continue to purify my body and eliminate animals and coffee.

I hope I continue on this path of good clean living. And I hope it trickles into my personal life.

I especially ask for strength and guidance with mason. I know perfection isn't possible, but give me the strength, patience, kindness, sensuality that he deserves to have .

All my love,
Jordan

Game plan

Are y'all ready for this ?!

Currently successfully vegan. And the water weight is dropping and I feel really good.

Enough gossiping, judging, cattiness
There's no joy from that lifestyle

I love myself. I live my life.

I live for me.

Chopping off my hair. Guna buy a curling iron. And a blow dryer. Thank gosh for that amazon gift card.

Need new little black UBS

Running

Taking care of myself

Clean and organized

Saving money for winter/ shop in sprees :)

And fixing masons car

Love love love mason

Prayer

Dear universe,
To know that I can ask for help and you answer is incredible. I have you on my side. I am loved. Thank you. Your help on Friday meant the world.

So I don't know if its greedy to keep praying. I feel whole now that things with TW have settled. But there are things I wish to discuss with you , dear universe. And praying made my heart feel fill. So please know how appreciative I am.

Tonight, daddy and B and T and I talked about confidence. About the beautiful Rooney Maras characters in the girl with the dragon tattoo. How she was so beautiful, despite being odd, for her confidence.
I believe that this is why I love my nipples pierced and my tattoo and my dark hair. They all feel like things you do if you're confident.
Dear universe, I'm falling asleep, but I want to ask you for help. I love myself, but I'm always second guessing myself. Help me realize how wonderful I am. And help me act with beautiful confidence.
I love you, dear universe.