Feel that Fire

I am so blessed. The end. No matter what. Conflict will alway exist even if it changes hands. The trick is to love life and myself despite that. TW and MR don't change anything.

Positivity

Monday July 30
Sitting in my car before work

List:

1. Confidence. Enviable confidence.
2. Watch my rude comments... Although eh I dunno. I never say things seriously and i refuse to let MR and TW tear down of me get to me
3. Not ruining friendships. But if I don't like someone, just taking some space.
4. Happiness
5. Positivity
6. Love
7. Quality friendships with all year amazing people in my life.
8. TW was Masons friend. It makes sense shed have issues with me. I stole him in a way. I don't take it personally and ultimately it'll blow over.
9. MR is also masons friend and ex. Def don't take her personally although I should find a new hairdresser blah.
10. Here's what I know: I have the most incredible bf in the entire world. I love my friends, vinia Jesee amy Laura Nina. Love my family... All of them. And I love my job and my bosses and colleagues. That's all that matters
11. Ultimately bad comes and goes and won't mean anything in an unknown period of time
12. I didn't do anything to deserve this . I can't control it. So why dwell on it.
13. Focusing on the bad will just hold me back from really leaning to love myself


And to top it all off. In head over heels in love with mason. And in the end. Mason means everything.

Why I am proud to be me

1. I won leader I the quarter the first time ever being nominated
2. I landed a fantastic promotion where one excelling
3. I have a handsome wonderful boyfriend who treats me like I'm His world
4. I've TAed for two professors despite being undergrad
5. My essay was published as a short film for educational purposes
6. I build good friendships fast
7. If I want something, I achieve it

Cleaning

Sunday, July 29, 2012
My bed.


I think I'm being tested by the universe.

Fighting with T & M is getting ridiculous. They've clearly spent sometime picking me apart. Coming up with all these reasons they don't like me. Because I'm rude, I'm defensive, PDA with Mas, I'm a different person when I'm around they're whole group of people I don't know than who I am when I'm one on one, and then when I'm with mas I'm different too. Haha. Just repeating them back makes me realize how retarded this is. Clearly, M decided a long time ago she didn't like me. I always just got such bad vibes, even though she was never less than SWEET. sugary sweet even.

So. These 2 girls who struggle with the romantic lives, their personal selves, with fashion, who don't have college degrees.. have decided they don't want me in their lives because I got defensive when they accused me of being unfaithful to Mas. And I'm sure M thinks he life is great. She's back with her bf. Her salon is sending her to Australia. Blah blah. But if she was really so secure, she wouldn't have instigated all of this. And meanwhile, T is just along for the ride.

Well. I am who i am. 

And I'm in a transitional period. I'm no longer friends with A. The drama, negativity, and just loathing of others was sucha drain. So now I need to figure out who I am without the influence of my Best Friend for the last 4 years.

I'm also without AP and JD and all of those Boys who I spent a few months raging and bonding with. I have so much fun and the drama was exciting. But I'm 22 years old and pursuing a real life. Not one sparked by substance abuse.

So Here's what I'm discovering. 


I'm genuinely kind. I really like people and I like being friends with people and taking care of them.
I'm making new friends, but I also have to accept that I need to prove to others that I'm not that bitch I was. And the only way to do that is with consistency.

I like taking care of myself. Eating clean. cooking. Running. Just overall good healthy habits.

I'm outgoing as fuck.


I'm happy. 


I'm funny and weird and I love it. 


I like adventures.


I like nature. Alot. 


I love buddhism. 


I'm open minded and accepting. 


Gossiping isn't fun.


Complaining isn't satisfying. 


I like art and fashion and color. 


I know what I like. without having to discuss it with 5 people to get their opinions on the matter. 


I am beautiful. 


Now today, Totally Normal Chaos MF is coming over to help me physically sort through my life. 
I couldn't be more excited. We originally agreed on 9am, and its 9:40, but cest la vie. It gave me time to myself that wasnt all about sleeping.

At piece

Saturday July 28 2012
Masons Living room with R and Yurina and mas and Andrea.

Ive been texting with T all morning and I finally feel at piece. I really like T but MR flat out lied to her about what happened an made me out to be worse than I am. And I'm just not down for that. I've calmly defended myself and explained my side but t wants to continue crusifying me for something so little as getting defensive.

Ah cest la vie. I can do without that. At least now I can sleep soundly knowing that it wasn't my fault. And I didn't say anything I regret, even though they tore me apart.

Objects I want

1. A new mid sized purse. Leather. Won't break my back, but will hold my things
2. Maaaaybe some new storage
3. New retainer. New tooth. White teeth.
4. Fixing masons car
5. Daddy's Xmas present
6. Grandmas blanket
7. Park city sundance trip
8. Rock the bells hotel
9. New suits!!! ASAP!!
10. New laptop
11. More cheap jeans :) (ugh actually I need to stop buying new clothes. I have Sooo many)
12. Phone cover for Taylor C
13. Pretty kitty ;)

Finally Friday

Friday July 27, 2012
Sitting in my car before work


Hooray! It's the weekend! I get to do things, see my dad, check things off my list, live for me and not just work.

1. Monica comes on Sunday
2. Daddy, barbara, and Tay Saturday night
3. Yurinas birthday tonight (which I'm planning)

Happy

July 26 2012

Just a good day. Full of good people. Mason, ma, Michelle C, db, Amy, yurina, holi from pastry, chef. Just good.

No such thing as perfection

July 25/26 2012 2am in my bed


But my life is wonderful. And there's no one but Mas id want to experience things with.

My mindset for the day. Turns out, it was a good choice. I still worked hard and did my thing, and celebrated my accomplishments, but everything wasn't quite so daunting. 

Found this in the drive through bathroom.. cool.

conversation with Ma. Ha. 

Live free and happy & without regret <3

Drive in movie theater in the back of jons truck. (mas was chatty and I scolded him for it :/ its not right. I should be more patient. But he just doesn't stop and it frustrates me. Oh well. I asked him to listen more when he's with my friends. maybe that will do the trick. we were kinda bitchy with each other anyways. We clearly are in love, but just getting on each others nerves. cest la vie)

My Handsome Baby<3

Conflict

Tuesday July 24, 2012
7:24 AM in my bedroom, surrounded by my mess

How do you handle conflict with Beauty and Swagg?

Well I thought it meant holding your tongue so you didn't say things you'd regret later, things that would hurt people.

Turns out, one with beauty and swagg should never text and fight with someone either.
Ugh.

I'm so tired of being in arguments with people. And this one doesn't seem fair because I know MR and TW think of themselves as insiders and me as the outsider. And this one was started because of that guy who stole my phone, so I'm defending myself, to MR, for something TW thinks (that I have no idea what it is), and something I probably didn't do.
but she "has Mas's best interest at heart." Like I don't? Like all I want to do it crush the love of my life. I'm trying to be understanding, but it's hard when I'm feeling like it's 2 against 1, and like I have to voice with either of them.

Other negative pulls:
AB
AP
AR

(not doing so well with the A's)


9:50 PM 
On my couch

I sent MR an apology text. Explaining that I'd felt attacked, but I should have given her benefit of the  doubt and I hoped she had a good day; she didnt deserve to feel upset.

I handled DB, BE, & TS, and took what was dealt to me.

But Here's what I need to work on.. 

1. Confidence. I deserve things. I need to stop always defending/explaining who I am and how I live.
2. To stop taking everything so personal
3. & piggybacking off that last one: to stop hurting people with my words. Its crazy to me that people care so much about what I say


Here's what I want..

1. Girlfriends. I need to work on my relationships with all my wonderful girlfriends.
2. To keep up my manicures, pedicures, waxes, and dye jobs
3.  Cleanliness.. in my car, in my room, in my life.


Here's what I've done...


1. Amazing sparkly pink gel mani pedi
2. Hair Dyed DARK
3. Eyebrows waxed
4. Amy and I are going to the Pretty Kitty for a brazillian haha
5. This sunday Monica Fay is coming to organize my room


I love who I am. I'm funny as heck. I love and care for people. & Im crazy smart and ambitious. Not to mention, gorgeous. Thats right I said it, I am gorgeous. I have great bone structure, huge gray blue eyes, and a pretty mouth and nose. I have curves to kill, and I look great in clothes. & BONUS.. I love fashion & money so I also have great clothes.

All in all, I see no reason to EVER feel insignificant. I am as good as I get.

 

Getting my Manicure/pedicure

Disgusting oatmeal. But look at my cute desk :) 

This dress didnt hug right, 

but this is why I'm eating salads and saying no to sweets. 

I want to wear dresses that show off my legs!

Sweet Dreams World<3

My Definitions

Monday, July 23, 2012
The floor of my bedroom, just showered and back from a run

Beauty & Swagg means...

• Talking when people are listening; not talking louder to get people to listen
• Maintaining appearances. Not getting lazy. A Good manicure, pedicure make all the difference. And so is staying hairless.
• But also budgeting out expenses in order to prevent over spending. Putting money aside for bigger purchases in the future, and money aside for little things -- manicures, hair cuts, waxes.
• Confidence. 
• Kindness. 
• Keeping things organized. Not taking money or things for granite. 
• Making lunch and dinner. Having pre-cut, pre-bought, healthy groceries ready to go.
• Going out for dates and getting all dressed up. 

12 noon
Copy room

"Dear beeotches, you know who you are. This is my formal request. Stop trying to get me to do your work, stop treating me like I'm subservient, and stop thinking your better than me because you talk trash. Your opinions are irrelevant because you are all quite cunty"

Sincerely, Jordan

7:06pm
Boyfriends house

Day from hell, but ultimately, the people I cared about -bf, managers, director, mom - all had my back. And when it came to handling situations on my own, I handled them well, with strength and confidence.

Hooray for day 3 of beauty and swagg. Now time for scallops & shrimp with the boys.

In love with my life

Sunday July 22 2012
Boyfriends house, playing video games

Went to the fair today with my boyfriend. In Lacey top and boots. Love the fair. And the food, although I made it a point to eat after thinking jar about my choices. Aka a huge sausage and some mocha freeze. Nixed the Cotten candy altogether.
For dinner Mas cooked parmesan chicken and rice and salad. At this point ive had Too many lemon buddies. But I'm enjoying hanging with the boys.

On my mind:
1. Organizing my room, appreciating my things
2. TW and the miscommunication
3. Building my relationship with MR & TW
4. Building my relationships with all my wonderful friends
5. Saving my money
6. Eating crazy healthy
6. Getting my hair styled
8. Nails done
9. Running
10. Looking good for Halloween
11. Regular haircuts, waxes, taking care of myself
12. Confidence; real enviable confidence

Spaceship Ride!

Super Drop You Fast and Feel Like You're Going to Die Ride

Agricultural Part of the Fair

The Thing, The Catch, The Goal

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Momma's House

Just back from the driving range with Mark. New iPhone secured after that creep stole it. Gettin' my Costco Card in a bit. Going to get my Thank You for Helping Me Be Successful Graduation Announcements printed. Then to the beach to MR's shop to get my Hair done. 

Here's the thing: 

I have been blessed with family, friends, a man I'm in love with, smarts, looks, a great job, great bosses, good money, and an appreciation for it all. 

Here's the catch: 

Almost everything I put in my body makes me sick; but, that's because this is America and we eat such processed crap. And as a result, I'm always a little down on that extra weight that I wish I didn't own.

Here's the goal: 

Eat well. Eat clean. Eat in a way so that I'm proud of who I am, and don't feel ashamed. 

Work out consistently. Sleep good and long and hard. Eliminate the constant drinking. 

Meanwhile, get the other stuff together too: aka my disaster of a room, dirty tupperwares in my new Camry, my distaste of laundry and dry cleaning. 

Basically, this is my blog to capture my efforts to live with Beauty & Swagg. Hopefully, the successful revamping of my life, in addition to a record of all the amazing things I get to do that keep me so busy.

<3